July 2017

sad.

20. july 2017 at 10:59 | mary
Some days I don't feel much, but sometimes I feel so much that it bubbles in my gut and climbs up my throat and I want to scream and scream and scream. But I don't know what I'd scream at or who to so I swallow it back until it creates this giant lump in my throat and I worry I'll suffocate on it. Sometimes I wish I would.
"You're just going through a weird phase," my friend told me. "You'll get over it once you're in a more stable place in life." But I don't know what that looks like. I try to pinpoint a time when things will even out again but there's no date on the calendar that says, "Today you'll be OK." No alarm on my phone that says, "It's time to feel like your entire life is put together." I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore.
Some days it gets so bad that I can't even see what's in front of me and I stumble around blindly all day until I find a place to hide. I cancel all my plans because "I'm tired, I'm sorry, I didn't get any sleep." I know that everyone is behind the screens of their phones rolling their eyes and calling me "flaky", but I don't care what I am anymore. I can't make myself care about anything.
"Everything works out eventually," my friend told me. "It gets better."
But I don't know what that means. I don't know what there is to work out. I can't fix a problem I can't identify, I can't hope for something I can't visualize, and I can't make myself happy when all I know how to be is sad.