sad.

20. july 2017 at 10:59 | mary
Some days I don't feel much, but sometimes I feel so much that it bubbles in my gut and climbs up my throat and I want to scream and scream and scream. But I don't know what I'd scream at or who to so I swallow it back until it creates this giant lump in my throat and I worry I'll suffocate on it. Sometimes I wish I would.
"You're just going through a weird phase," my friend told me. "You'll get over it once you're in a more stable place in life." But I don't know what that looks like. I try to pinpoint a time when things will even out again but there's no date on the calendar that says, "Today you'll be OK." No alarm on my phone that says, "It's time to feel like your entire life is put together." I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore.
Some days it gets so bad that I can't even see what's in front of me and I stumble around blindly all day until I find a place to hide. I cancel all my plans because "I'm tired, I'm sorry, I didn't get any sleep." I know that everyone is behind the screens of their phones rolling their eyes and calling me "flaky", but I don't care what I am anymore. I can't make myself care about anything.
"Everything works out eventually," my friend told me. "It gets better."
But I don't know what that means. I don't know what there is to work out. I can't fix a problem I can't identify, I can't hope for something I can't visualize, and I can't make myself happy when all I know how to be is sad.
 

to my greatest love who broke my heart.

17. june 2017 at 22:20 | mary

I know our story happened in the blink of an eye, but that doesn't mean our love was untrue. Loving you made me realize, that in love, you don't count the number of days you fall in love with a person. Love happens when your heart started to speak and feel the inexplicable emotions you once thought you'll never experience. Love is always unexpected. It comes from different forms, various situations and swarmed people. I consider loving you as, so far, the greatest lesson I have learned when it comes to love. It had opened my eyes to the reality of the world. It had taught me valuable lessons I never learned from the past relationships I have been into.
But I have to tell you that loving you also, is somewhat the biggest mistake I have ever made. It has caused me pain that made me feel sick about myself. It has caused me hostilities that I have to deal with to regain my self-confidence. It has caused me trust issues that made me afraid to believe in love again.
Loving you is like living and dying everyday. Every day I have to live to forget you but I also have to die every time I tell myself I have to forget you because you are my curse, the curse I'll never get over with.

my last letter to you.

24. may 2017 at 20:06 | mary


I used to believe love feels like heaven that will lift you off your feet, up in the clouds, a feeling of complete happiness and fulfillness. But it's not. Love is like a prison surrounded by barriers with chains gripping at your feet, holding onto you, and dragging you down until you're completely lost.
That's what I came to realize, that love is just a fantasy. We create this whole new world of perfection inside our minds to escape the imperfection of our realities. We believe that a single person should be the huge change of our lives-for better or for worse.
For instance, there comes a time in each of our lives where we meet this one person that would truly change us. That one person that would make us believe that love really do exist. Until they break us apart and leave us like nothing ever happened.
It happened to me, when I met you. You were nice, handsome, funny, smart, dreamy and everything felt perfect. Maybe too perfect. But one thing I won't forget about you was how special you made me feel.
Those days we were out just talking about how our days had been, laughing about silly things, sharing cheesy conversations.
It was waking up in the morning with the thought of you, which was enough to brighten up my day ahead and put a smile on my face.
Those were the better days. Until one day, it's like a storm hit you and you just forgot all about me and the way we used to be. One thing lead to another and suddenly it ended. Truth is, there is still a tiny part of my heart that wishes you'd come back and make everything better for me again because you are the only person I could ever think of that can make things better for me. Even though you're the sole reason of my misery in the first place. How ironic.
Bottomline is, you changed me. You changed everything. Before, I could hear my heart pounding through my chest just thinking about you but now it's dead silent. Before, I could feel butterflies in my stomach whenever you'd talk to me but now it's as empty as it can be. And before, I used to believe that forever existed but now I don't think I can even last a single day. You changed me. You changed everything.
But you know what? Despite the pain and misery that you've inflicted me, I still managed to put a stop to this ball of anger building up inside of me. Everything is still to painful for me but I'm still in love with you so I'm going to forgive you. I am going to forgive you for making me suffer the pain of being in love, for drowning me with a sea of questions and what ifs, and for making me believe the impossible conclusion that there's a possibility of future between us.
There are still a million questions floating inside my mind and I would trade anything just to hear you answer them all. But of course, it would never happen. It's just like creating a whole new world in my mind to escape the pain of my reality. Just hoping for the best and not expecting for the worst. A dream of the impossible perfection.
But that's just how life is. I'll just accept the fact that you don't always get what you want and it's better to be with the no one than to be with the wrong person. And maybe there's a reason why you came into my life and changed me. Maybe I was meant to be changed so I can start with something new. What's important is that I get everything all out of my heart, free all the pain and misery and all the words that has been held on for so long.
And before I end this, I want you to know that I have forgiven you and I hope that you forgive me too for writing my last letter to you.

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